Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
