Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
