I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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