Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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