Swine flu. Run for my life!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
