evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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