I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
