who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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