I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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