anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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