Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
