there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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