he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
