Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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