I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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