you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
