he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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