Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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