theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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