I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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