two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
