Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
