come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
