woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
