Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i now understand why vodka
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
