Can i not drive my cunt home
I cannot find my penis.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
