omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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