So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
