can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
