Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
zippers are such a cool invention
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
