i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
