If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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