so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
