i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
