Apparently you make a good broom.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
