She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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