It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
FUCK WHALES
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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