In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
