I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
