When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
