why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
