I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
home. puking in laundry basket.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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