i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
