There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
