There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
