If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
