dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
