We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
