At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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