I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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