I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
