I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
