Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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