if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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